Quiet reflection- we get this one life. One go of this. We find love, we find times of great happiness, we also suffer times of heartache and sorrow. We have successes and failures, times we are too busy and times we feel alone. We buy houses, get married, get divorced, become widowed.
We find beautiful friendships and we gain those that are not our friends.
We become wiser, maybe a bit harder. We worry, we stress, we pray and spend way too many hours and sleepless nights over things that never actually happen.
It ’s interesting the things you see when you heal. When you are whole and right with God, when you have made amends with others and yourself.
You see the poison you drank so willingly. The hours you’ve wasted worrying. The thousands of words you’ve turned inward on yourself; the lies, the negative thoughts and condemnation you allow yourself to speak over yourself. The times you’ve poured out poison, when you let that spill out and hurt others. The times and ways you’ve been toxic because you were afraid!
I was thinking about my doggy. She has a new thing that is vicious- (like us with words), when she has been at camp where she probably can’t get away from the other dogs, she is touchy, she is exhausted. Now, during the night, if I move (under the covers,) she lashes out, snarls and bites. She is not aggressive by nature. She is not hurt. She is scared. That’s us. We are most toxic when we are scared.
The injured child inside that learned to deal, to cope, to survive usually in ways that are not healthy -because you were a child and didn’t know any better -becomes a knee jerk response. Let’s face it- Humans are pretty awful to one another and no one is above that statement.
God talks a lot about capturing our thoughts and that our words show the condition of our heart, our soul.
When we feel something, there was a thought that came first. So guard your thoughts, observe your thoughts, hold your tongue until you capture that thought. Examine it against truth.
I literally had a panic moment recently – I was going over it in my head- and suddenly I thought- but it didn’t happen! It’s a lie! You’re creating a lot of stress over something that literally hasn’t happened yet and isn’t happening now.
There is so much freedom that comes from laying it all down. Taking off the masks and compensations. There is so much joy, peace and freedom that comes from forgiving what’s been done. Freedom from getting personal with yourself and seeing anything that is wrong in your soul. Asking God to show you, to pull those roots out. The lies you’ve believed. The lies you’ve told. The traumas you’ve suffered and the traumas you have caused; Created perhaps.
When you can see the toxicity that spill out from your pain from your fear – you are set free.
I remember saying to friends that I yelled a lot at my kids. Basically the response was – “yeah we all do it.” Imagine if I had said, I’m spilling toxicity out on my kids, creating wounds to their sweet little souls.” Would we be so quick to say “it’s ok!”
There was a time during my menopause (I was young) that I literally was a lunatic at times. Hard on my husband, hard on my kids. I have suffered great losses and have been toxic in it all at times as well.
God has been showing me the sources of the wounds. He has given me courage and hope, has loved me deeper and bigger while I have let him rip it all out .
I have come to a beautiful place of peace. My seeking for that filling up of that hole inside has been realized. Trauma’s are healed.
I have a confidence I’ve never known, a sense of strength flowing into and through my heart. I know who God is. I am fully known by Him, always was, now I can look Him in the eye knowing He loved me anyway.
He has done this work in me. He has shown me my flaws, my deep wounds, my wrong thinking, my toxicity and how beautifully I am made.. My beautiful Father washed me white as snow. My sins are not remembered by him any longer.
Jesus took the full punishment for me. Freedom is peace. Love is a verb.
