faithfully yours…

20 Jan

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Normally I write from an enlightened perspective. One that is looking back at the journey. Today I write from my heart. I believe that everyone feels what I am feeling at some point. I believe it to be part of our journey and possibly the most important part. It keeps us looking up, even when we want to quit.

When my husband left, I felt a huge burden of failure. His failure to love me was my fault, my shortcomings. As I moved through my grief, I began to place that burden back on him, his failure to love me was his. God pierced my heart showing me that our divorce wasn’t a failure to love or be loved. Our marriage ended because there was a lack of commitment to continue forward. Love had nothing to do with that. My continued love for him was perfectly normal and so was the mourning. My capacity to love remained. I was able to begin my journey of forgiveness and finally my hope for his happiness.

I have been alone, by choice. I have dated a little but I built walls of protection around me, walls that kept men out. I didn’t really want a relationship with anyone. Truth is, I was numb and if I felt anything it was terror. I didn’t think I could ever open up, trust or even hope to love again. Certainly I never wanted to marry again. I poured all my love into my family and my amazing friendships.
That all changed about 5 or 6 months ago. It struck me out of nowhere and loud as could be ~ “I would like to be married again one day.”
~Just like that.

I recently met someone that unbeknownst to him, has had a huge impact in my life. I know he has a different journey to walk, we are not to be, but I believe he was brought to my life to stir my heart. To help me see that my heart yearns to feel again, to love again. He stirred in me a desire to know a man. To have a man know me.

I know God has a plan in mind for me. I have grown to depend on Him for all of my needs, my desires and my hopes, yet I do find it incredibly sad, actually! I wonder why? Why do I have to face these hardships by myself. Where is my helpmate, my partner? Why do I find a man, so perfect for me in so many ways, yet he isn’t for me? Why are two people that really loved, alone? It hurts me. Part of that answer means being truthful. Honestly, I was truly alone in my marriage. Truth is, this man may be perfect for me, but he has dreams and hopes for things I can’t give him, and of which are so incredible and valuable, I desire that for him as well. The gift in this, is that I learned that men can love with a pure heart.

I do understand that there is a purpose and a plan. I trust that, but you can know that and it can still sting.It can be lonely and treacherous at times.

Some days… I just wish God didn’t see me as such a strong person. Today, I am weary. Today, I want a helpmate. I know this is my little valley but I really feel as though I have no strength for more valleys. Today.

So, I will pray. I will seek wisdom. I will get rest. I will count my blessings, be thankful. I will pray for others and I will talk to Jesus. I will ask the Holy Spirit to comfort me. I will start all over again tomorrow. I will be grateful that my heart is full of life and love. I will sing the praises because God brought me a bountyful of love from amazing men and women and excellent leadership from amazing Shepherds.

And this tired and a bit sad heart still beats and I am alive and kicking…and that is a blessing.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.1 Thessalonians 5:18

One Response to “faithfully yours…”

  1. beachgirl952 January 21, 2013 at 5:07 am #

    As a sidenote: Joy does come in the morning, as does promise and peace and renewed strength. The eternal God is your refuge,
    and underneath are the everlasting arms.
    He will drive out your enemies before you,
    saying, ‘Destroy them!’Deuteronomy 33:27 (NIV)

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