White Knuckle Faith

21 Aug

Yesterday, I received the amazing news that I do not have breast cancer. I felt stunned and it took a moment for that to sink in. I had been prepared for the bad news and had already begun to focus on the “what now”. My Doctor was ready to put into motion my alternative path as I had already decided I would not do a chemical treatment. The last month of hurry up and wait had begun to wear on me. It became part of my routine to research alternative approaches to cancer.

It was a couple of hours before I felt the joy of the good news settle in, strange as that sounds. When the full realization hit me, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and joy.

In the sharing of the news, I realized I was exhaling this huge sigh of relief. What I found in the “all clear” is that my faith could be described as a white knuckle faith.

The night before my procedures, I had many love notes from God; Notes reassuring me, reminding me that health was mine for the asking. I just needed to ask. So I asked!

I received this Psalm in a devotional:

Psalm 92:14 They shall still bear fruit in old age;
They shall be fresh and flourishing,

However,I was still obviously scared, bracing for the worst, even though I was no longer aware of it.

I had only told a couple people,just a chosen few, for prayer’s of intercession. That’s what we do, we ask for prayers for healing, right? Asking others to pray for us to hold steadfast in our faith and our healing is a good prayer. But our prayer? Our prayer should be one of reverent gratitude for the trial we are facing because it keeps us close to God. That alone is the greatest gift. To trust Him completely in His plan for our life, our prayer should look like one of admitting our weakness in our fear.

I was convicted in the aftermath that to be so tense was wrong. I have changed my thoughts on this. I didn’t realize I was so tense, and to be so tense, well that’s okay. God understands our weakness.

Faith is not to be judged by us or anyone else. God will judge our faith. He places us in the craziest of situations to test our faith, but it isn’t failure to have fear. It is beautiful to have faith and conversation with Him even with white knuckles; He loves that. White knuckle faith is okay as long as you are staying close to God’s side. Trust is uncomfortable sometimes. It’s actually real faith when you trust through the human responses of fear. Even when you are not aware of the fear until after the crisis is over.

What I do need to work on is the confidence in God wanting to bless me. That I am His prize. That seems to be the hardest to grasp. The intentional acceptance that God wants you to bless you with your hearts desires. But, we must ask and we must trust that He will give us what He knows is best for us.

All is well that ends well. I feel very blessed and humbled. I also know that my trials on this earth are not even close to being over. I will continue to grow through those trials and maybe next time, I won’t feel the fear as deeply. But, if I do, I have an amazing Father that loves me anyways.

Jesus Calling~ “I am a God who heals”
Psalm 103:3 (NIV)
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

James 4:2 (NIV)
2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

1 Corinthians 12:7-9 (NIV)
7 Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. 8 To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, 9 to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit,

Matthew 7:7 (NIV)
Ask, Seek, Knock

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

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