I Need a Holy Night

14 Dec

The greatest lessons in my life have come from struggle and trying times. The greatest gifts from loss and pain. It has taken me a lifetime to understand this.

I can look back and see how poverty, the family dynamic and having a father with Early-Onset Alzheimer’s helped create the person I am today, good and bad. Lessons learned in childhood bring us our reactions and coping skills for struggle and pain, it is only when we revisit those lessons as an adult that we can heal. As children, we do not have wisdom in which we can learn and grow from our experiences. We haven’t lived long enough to gain the wisdom that is necessary. The deeper the hurts, the stronger the resilience and thus, the longer the journey to heal can be.

Poverty and loss really shaped my independence, my controlling nature and my need for security. I became very self sufficient. I thought that material things didn’t matter to me, but I lied to myself, they did. I had a vision of comfort in my head that included a home, decorated to be comforting and warm; Food cooking and a family around the table. That was security. That was peace and comfort. I created a comfortable picture, yet it fell apart anyways, leaving me stunned.

I remember a christmas of my childhood that was very meager. My poor mom was so sad for what she couldn’t provide us. What we did have was God, shelter, family and love,but that wasn’t the focus. We were living in a place and time of material giving for Christmas. What was lost, in the desire to gain gifts, was the Greatest Gift of all. Jesus had lost the focus as our provider, our hope and our joy. He is the Father to the fatherless. We were fatherless. We had each other, but it was too much to process. I lost both my parents in one disease, dad to the illness, mom had to work. The burdens of adulthood fell on little shoulders, much too early. Abandonment was not something I was equipped to feel, to process. It created a real lack of trust in my heart and relationships with men that were just as ill equipped to build a life as I was. Money, yes, relationship, no. When you live waiting for the other shoe to drop, you would think you are prepared for when it actually does. I wasn’t. When you live in fear, you don’t know God and you don’t trust. When people leave us as children, we somehow wrap our value up in that. As if we had something to do with the leaving. Children are so vulnerable. Divorce, death, illness, emotional abandonment.. these change our children.

In the process of walking in my faith, of gaining a relationship with Him, learning to gain my security in Him, learning to trust Him; I have grown to see myself in His eyes. He created me to be this person. I see the gifts He has blessed me with, my ability to bring people together, to build, to create. I have a genuine love for women, and I am learning to have a Christ like love for men. God has put incredible men, Godly men, loving men, respectful, committed men in my path. He put His loving light in my heart and when I am connected with Him, plugged in, people respond to that light.

Christmas is about the people I am around and the light that shines in all of us. Christmas is about the kids, but maybe for Christmas the best thing we can do is love them, spend time becoming whole and plugged in to the Father. Maybe the best gift we can give our children is to reconnect with God and also their other parent. Heal the wounds that make kids think they are a little less lovable.
Finding Christ is Christmas doesn’t mean you can’t love Santa and enjoy the fun of this time of year (actually I find it a great way to share the love of Christ).

Christ came down for us, to save us. He carries us, as adults we need that, imagine the need in our children. I know, I need the Holy Night, the quiet night. Spending time in quiet, reading the story of Jesus in Luke or Matthew, renews me, moves me. Maybe it would do the same for you. Maybe let that bring you back to the Holy Night and the gift that was offered to you. Maybe,let that change you.

Matthew 5:3-5 (MSG)
3 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

4 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

5 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

Luke 12:7 (NIV)
7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

1 Peter 5:6-7 (MSG)
6-7 So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.

Revelation 21:4 (NIV)
4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

John 15:2-6(NIV)
2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

Hebrews 12:6
New International Version (NIV)
6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.

2 Corinthians 8:9
9 For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich
Proverbs 28:6
6 Better the poor whose walk is blameless
than the rich whose ways are perverse.

Luke 12:32-34(NIV)
32 “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Isaiah 65:17-25
17 “See, I will create
new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
 nor will they come to mind.
18 But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
 and its people a joy.
19 I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more

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