Archive | February, 2015

Right Side Up

1 Feb

I got the call. My dream job. My hard work has paid off.

I am relieved, joyful and incredibly blessed. Now I have a career I am so suited for, so grateful for, a career I can grow in, learn in, be successful in and provide for myself in and mostly, have purpose in.

Why am I not jumping for joy?

I haven’t had so much at stake, so much to lose, since my life took a sharp turn, over 5 years ago. As I look back all the way to beginning of this journey. It started long before I really knew what it was… but really, this journey began when my husband announced he no longer wanted to be married to me. Losing my job at that same time was killer.

First God brought me an incredible love that is God centered. There is nothing like a relationship with God at the core. When a man prays with, for and over his love… there is an intimacy that is unparalleled. There is a deep and trusting love that swells in the heart of such a cherished woman. My life is full of blessings, overflowing. I am surprised I have a relationship at all, let alone this amazing love I share with this man.

First came him and now this, the long sought after job. Frankly, it made me not jump for joy but rather, I feel this deep appreciation for the arrival of this season. I needed this to sink in. I am deeply moved by this blessing. My dear friend said it is my PTSD…perhaps. And in true Godly fashion, it is happening so quickly, I barely have time to think!

Looking back over the past 5 years is so surreal. There is so much there, so much hardship, so much growth. My faith moved so quickly within my heart, my journey became an adventure and a lesson.

When I try to share this news I become so emotional. I can barely stop the tears. God has blessed me so incredibly. I don’t even know how to wrap my brain around it all.

All the trial and faith and lack of faith. All the leaning in to Him, letting Him lead me, all lead to this amazing new season. A new love, a new career and who knows what else!

I began going to church soon after my husband left me at the invite of a friend. Not a Lutheran church or Catholic church, rather it was a non-denominational church. I remember sitting there trying to figure out if I liked it there, a bit unnerved by the worship of people around me. The music was great but the lack of traditional service, memorized prayers, what exactly was this non-denominational church? I remember thinking, if they start talking in tongues, I am out of here!

What I do remember clearly is hearing sermons like I had never heard before. Scripture based, focused and taught. I remember a few key moments, a few key topics. One of the catalyst’s for my change of thinking, for the beginning of my deepening faith was a sermon by Brent (my pastor). He looked right at me it seemed and said, “God numbered each hair on your head, he knew your path before you were born, you are exactly where you are supposed to be in your journey, trust Him and let Him guide you. He has this, He has you!”

Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

It was the beginning of a new life. A new journey for me. I hit a low that summer, about 6 months later than this, but the seeds were planted. We still have to walk through our pain, our journey, in order to heal.

That same year I took a Beth Moore study, Inheritance. Beth referred to Psalm 23; She showed us that we must walk through the darkest valley’s. Not around, not near,not over, not avoid; Through. We must go through our hardships, grow in our dependence on God, so we can be strong and steady, so we know where our strength comes from, so we know our faith is all we need, so we can tap into His wisdom…tested and honed and tried and true. He provides the rest.

Psalm 23:4(NIV)

4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me

Here I am today. My faith has grown so deep, so great, though I still have my times of fear and doubts.I am so imperfect, you will be just fine! You will probably get A’s I have about a B-. Ha!

Through it all, He promised to provide for me and He has. He provided all I needed, every single step of the way. I honestly wonder how I managed at times to keep my car, my roof over my head… it was Him. There are times that honestly, were just miracle’s.

There have been times I knew the Holy Spirit was so near: So near, I could literally feel His arms around me. He brought me the love of girlfriends, praying, Godly girlfriends. I could go on and on and on about the love and gratitude and overwhelming awe I have for such a wonderful God.

But mostly… He is a God of promise and He never, ever lets us down. He makes our path straight and He uses all sorrow for good. No one is exempt. No sin too great. No person too small.

Never, ever forget…you are His precious child,regardless if you want Him or not.