Transparent

19 Sep

When I began this blog, my prayer was to always be completely transparent in my journey towards holiness. I have been, until recently. My transparency became vague because I was in a state of confusion and I didn’t want to show how far I stepped off my path, I suppose.

Walking in faith, still being me, and allowing my heart to open towards someone else has been truly the most convicting, amazing, difficult, sin-filled, painful, prayerful time of my walk yet.

When I fell in love, I knew it had to be with a man that wanted to know Jesus. When I met David, there was a moment outside of my church that he said to me, “I am not where you are at, I don’t know anyone that talks about Jesus as much as you, I just don’t know if I can be that. I am not there yet”

I think, I found this to be an oddity on my part, and I guess I thought maybe I needed to scale back a bit. I didn’t consciously process that, but in retrospect, I do believe I stopped making David come through Jesus to find me at that point.

A few months later, we became intimate, a few months later I moved to be near to him and he moved in with me.
Conviction came frequently, like when my pastor’s wife referred to David and I as married and I didn’t correct her.
My friends were worried, speaking truth to me, I never once downplayed it, and I prayed about this sin constantly. I had conviction but I also didn’t know what to do about this sin or maybe I just didn’t want to have to do anything about it. I decided to lay this at the foot of the cross.

In the process of this, what I can see in the looking back, is that David and I had no chance at all of having a Christ centered relationship (which is what we both claimed we wanted) while we had the door wide open to all the fear, doubt and division that satan could use with us. You cannot build a foundation in Christ while letting satan have a seat on the rock.

David and I began to fall apart. After church one day, conviction was very real and I began to cry. My heart was heavy with the un-holiness of our relationship and David asked me to marry him. I think somewhere, even in that moment, I knew that David wasn’t asking me for the reasons my heart desired but because he felt it was the right thing to do.

A recent trip home to Minnesota, I saw my shepherd/pastor’s wife at my reunion. Sue was there the night my life changed, July 9, 2010. I spilled my guts to her in the first 2 sentences. “David and I live together and I didn’t correct my church friends when they assumed we were married.” The next day at church, my pastor prayed with me to do the God honoring thing, to put my relationship back into line with all of God’s desires for me.

I came home to find that my relationship had some major cracks in it and we broke up. David moved out, just 2 days after I confessed and prayed. In true swiftness, God took up where I was weak. I begged Him to forgive me. I prayed for an answer.

What has happened since that time is pretty close to miraculous. David and I, both individually, began our relationship back to Christ; David on his own and me on mine. David was humbled and became completely transparent, asked for forgiveness from me and from God, and has began a walk I can see, I can hear, I can lean on. I became grace filled. I have an understanding beyond my own for David; A compassion that can only be God lead. I forgive him and he has forgiven me. We are beginning with a true foundation in Christ. It is a beautiful beginning. It is a blessing in many ways.

This is the need for transparency. For those of us mature, previously married, single in our mid years or beyond, it is easy to justify or to fall into this intimacy. It isn’t impossible but it is really, really hard. It isn’t about wrong, it is about falling out of the circle of favor and calm, joy and peace that is Christ. It alters the relationship we have with Him.

David has truly become a man after God’s own heart, and mine. I have found my eyes filled with the wonder of God from a new place of true need, true humility. We have begun to build a true foundation in Christ. It is so hard to not act on feelings and desires, but when you place them at the foot of the cross with your strong desire to be obedient, He helps you. He makes one strong when the other is weak. Obedience is not easy but it is not the worst thing that we endure. Losing my close relationship with Christ in my sin was painful. Lonely. Sorrow-filled. Scary.

Jesus was tempted in every area of his life, with the same temptations we endure, yet HE never sinned. He has so much empathy towards us, because He knows without Him, without constantly walking with Him, we will lose out to temptation. When we give way to temptation, His worry for us, is that we allow Satan a foothold.

Transparency is essential to a true walk. Confession to my pastor was essential to my soul. I could go to this world and tell them “David and I are intimate and we live together” I will hear from the world “Good for you!”. Christians will often tell me I will miss out on the blessings. But I am here to tell you, transparently, satan doesn’t sit idly by when you open the door to him. He will use that open door to have his way. Guard your heart! Guard your future from him.

The truth is this, this is what God has shown me:
“Your sin has shown your gaps, your fears, your idol’s. It lay bare the fears of your heart. You were not as weak as you were insecure; Insecure in MY Love for you. My darling child, MY Love is bigger and grander than any love you receive here, MY Love is beyond compare. You are made right in My Love. When you walk close to me, when you keep your eyes on Me, you see a bit into heaven. That is the JOY in you. Obedience is not a right and wrong, it is a trust. You didn’t trust me. And my darling child, I want you to see that I am with you even still. My Grace is big enough, wide enough, strong enough, MY Love is sufficient. My strength will get you through any challenge, any temptation, any test you must endure when you walk with Me. I brought you MY Word, yet you doubt, I brought you friends, yet you hid from them. I brought you writing skills, yet you skirted the truth. You can never run too far from me, because I LOVE you beyond measure. My Mercy is bigger than your sin. Trust ME.”

I am now being led by God first and led in obedience by a man I respect, a man that loves God more than he loves me, a man that is willing to leave me, rather than bring sin to my life. He and I have so far to go but we will go this road together. Humbly, seeking wisdom, helping one another stay strong in our journey. We have found a joy together by being truthful, transparent and encouraging of one another with empathy, prayer and gentle kindness.

I am so excited for this next part of the journey, though it hurt so much to get here… but that just makes it even better. Redemption is never easy but it is so amazing.

Lamentations 3:22-23 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Philippians 3:13-14 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

1 John 1:9 & 2:1 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness… My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense – Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.

Hebrews 4:16 – Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

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2 Responses to “Transparent”

  1. Debbie L September 19, 2015 at 7:23 pm #

    Wow….thank you for your honesty. What a testimony. Praying the Lord clearly directs your paths. It’s so easy to be deceived. That’s the history of Israel….thank You Lord for Your Grace and Mercy!!!

  2. Cora September 20, 2015 at 7:51 pm #

    Girl, so proud of your transparency…I know that it is not easy to confess openly, but your words will reach people beyond your wildest dreams…because you want nothing more than follow Christ and to be a woman after God’s own heart!!! Thankful that Christ placed you in my life at the right time!!!
    Love you girlie!

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