Healing The Past

9 May

I find myself on a path I didn’t choose, a path that has broken my heart. This storm is new for me though in that though the storm is raging, I know how blessed and in awe of our amazing God I am. I feel God’s presence immensely. He is holding me so closely. More importantly, He is teaching me so much.  And I am letting Him.

This trial is bringing a new depth of conversation, with Him and with my beautiful sisters. I am facing harsh truths, and suffering some deep spiritual battles.  He is showing me my strongholds and I am being refined. He is removing some long forgotten hurts and beliefs that are lies. Lies that are causing me more harm, and robbing me of peace.

One of the hardest parts of my marriage unraveling is the realization that I was pushing forward, while he was already gone. I think many of us have been in that sad, lonely place.  I have a ‘never give up’,’loyal to the end’ attitude.  This refinement is showing me the root of that, what the truth in that is. While this is a lovely character in me,  God has shown me that it has a root of fear; Fear of abandonment.

I am seeing this in every tear, in every longing.  I  can pinpoint this root for myself to losing my father to early onset Alzheimers. I lost my dad to disease. Not intentional leaving of me and yet I struggle deeply with this. I fear rejection and abandonment. This is a lie because it says I did something to make my dad go away. If I had been better. Not logical, but the belief is there.

What of the child who’s father simply just walked away?  If our own earthly daddy leaves us, what does that say about future men… What does that tell a child about God?  This absolutely shatters my heart! There are too many broken birdies out there suffering from this very root.

When you come from fear, you pursue either in prayer, in your heart, or even by reaching out to the one leaving. The desire to pursue and attempt to change the mind of the one that has closed their hearts to us is a natural response, I think. It is a part of grief. The problem begins when we pursue those we should let go of, those that didn’t value us. We need to heal not the latest abandonment but the one that started it all.

Beloved! When we do that, we replace the fear of what abandonment says we are and fill our hearts of the worthiness that God defines for us.

The truth is, God says we are more precious that rubies! We need to put on that beautiful adoration from Him and know that in the end, we know who He says HE is and and we know who He says WE are in Him. Not one person on this earth can ever compare to that.

God made a promise to us;  He will not forsake us for any other. He doesn’t abandon us, He never leaves us. He will not choose someone else over us. He is our bridegroom and he makes a covenant with us that will never be severed. We are valued and loved and cherished by The One most Holy!

We can’t make people love us but we can know that we are still loved and lovable. Because God says so.

Submitting every tear, every fear, every longing, every bit of hate, hurt and anger to Him. He asks us to bring our heartache, dashed hopes and broken dreams and lay them at His Perfect Feet.  Only then can he replace them with joy and peace.

When my heart, mind and trust is with my God, though the storm is raging, this boat is steady and firm. I may rock a bit from side to side, (this is still very painful!) there is a peace in my heart that is unexplainable. When I am in perfect harmony with Christ,  it truly is well within my soul.

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41: 10-13




2 Responses to “Healing The Past”

  1. Debbie L May 9, 2017 at 9:07 am #

    Wow, such growth!!!! And it’s in the Valley where we grow! Prayers continue for you my precious friend! 🙏

  2. Tracy McCall May 9, 2017 at 12:34 pm #

    So beautiful, the way you are sharing your heart, and the Fathers faithfulness to us in all circumstances. Praying for His presence to continue to bring you peace and joy.

    Now to the one who can, according to His power which is operating in us, do more than superabundantly beyond all things we ask or conceive.
    Ephesians 3:20

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