Trust is a funny thing. It is all or nothing.

In this modern world, you need to rely on yourself, make yourself happy, be happy, play the game, defend yourself, look out for yourself and ‘you do you, boo’. In this modern world it matters more about who you know, what you post and who you voted for. (Like there is a single politician or party that is worthy of that kind of adoration or loyalty).
Hundreds of look good, feel good, be happy, oh but you’re beautiful cliché’s aka Meme’s are posted every day, meanwhile on social medial, saying horrible things to people, with no thought to filters, or manners, or boundaries. The world is constant chaos, going from one headline, one rumor, one disaster to the next. This is blasted at you from social media, television etc.

Faith is the opposite of all that. It is quiet. It is stillness. Christianity has such a bad rap, but I believed the bad rap for a very long time. Holier than though, the measure of people by good and bad, religion, it was not much to grab hold of. It left me unable to measure up; Defeated.

What I found when I finally understood what faith really was about, is a constant, unchanging, source of peace. I choose to grab hold or do it my way.

I had to hit bottom twice to really understand faith. The first time filled me overwhelming hope. The second filled me with trust.
He ministered to my soul and rebuilt me from the inside out, healing so many wounds from a lifetime of doing it the hard way. The second time was the shaking off of false beliefs, false expectations, the old legalism I hung on to and my own need to hold on to my steering wheel. I dove in to my faith because He rescued me, I stayed because He never waivered. I did, but He never did.

It has been an honest, deeply challenging, difficult journey trying to really get to the core of faith, of trust. Do I really believe the bible?  Do I really believe God is who His word tells me He is?  Do I really believe Christ lived and died for my sin, but more than anything, do I trust Him? Do I trust in perfect Grace? Do I trust Him to provide for my needs? Do I trust Him with my journey no matter how different it is from how I think it should be or want it to be? I came face to face with God Himself and I can say I now trust Him like never before.

I trust Him, with all of this. Disease, pandemic threats don’t frighten me. That said, I had anxiety over my financial well being. I still held that idea that I control my security, that’s my idol. I realized my lack of trust the minute I began to feel anxious as the stock market began to slip. I found myself having to constantly, intentionally, refocus my heart on trusting Him. It’s His anyways. He doesn’t need me to be financially set. He needs me to trust Him to provide all that I need.

My friend recently used the word manifest. It is a word that implies so much work to me, going backwards to so much on my shoulders. I never want to have that bondage again. I have so much freedom by surrendering it all to Him. I simply talk to God. I ask for what I need. I listen to Him in His word, in His whisper of “this way” or “be still”. I read His word and learn what He wants me to learn. I grow through my losses and find strength in Him always, even when I may not have any of my own. I always have hope. Always.

Hope comes from knowing He has a plan and a purpose for every hardship, which happens to us all, with or without Him. There is such a blessing that comes from sharing the hardship with others, the strength you found in Him, the peace. When I get those inbox messages that say, I am going through a hard time, can you talk with me? Pray for me? When I get the messages that ask me about God, about faith. That is the blessing for me. That is purpose of being transparent.

Once I fully grasped that He never changes, that He never leaves me, Once I surrendered fully to that, Once I went all in with trusting Him with everything,  I was free. It is a dying to self every single day and sometimes several times a day. It is a peace beyond measure. It is freedom from fear, loneliness, anger, defensiveness, having to fill the box myself.

I am loved. Because of Him;  I have a delightful inheritance. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. He is everything I need. My portion, my cup, my lot is secure. I am here to love Him, to know His love for me and to let that be what drives me every day to do for others. Simple as that.

Psalm 16

Psalm 16

A miktam[a] of David.

Keep me safe, my God,
    for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”

I say of the holy people who are in the land,
    “They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
    I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
    or take up their names on my lips.

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
    you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

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