Healing The Past

9 May

I find myself on a path I didn’t choose, a path that has broken my heart. This storm is new for me though in that though the storm is raging, I know how blessed and in awe of our amazing God I am. I feel God’s presence immensely. He is holding me so closely. More importantly, He is teaching me so much.  And I am letting Him.

This trial is bringing a new depth of conversation, with Him and with my beautiful sisters. I am facing harsh truths, and suffering some deep spiritual battles.  He is showing me my strongholds and I am being refined. He is removing some long forgotten hurts and beliefs that are lies. Lies that are causing me more harm, and robbing me of peace.

One of the hardest parts of my marriage unraveling is the realization that I was pushing forward, while he was already gone. I think many of us have been in that sad, lonely place.  I have a ‘never give up’,’loyal to the end’ attitude.  This refinement is showing me the root of that, what the truth in that is. While this is a lovely character in me,  God has shown me that it has a root of fear; Fear of abandonment.

I am seeing this in every tear, in every longing.  I  can pinpoint this root for myself to losing my father to early onset Alzheimers. I lost my dad to disease. Not intentional leaving of me and yet I struggle deeply with this. I fear rejection and abandonment. This is a lie because it says I did something to make my dad go away. If I had been better. Not logical, but the belief is there.

What of the child who’s father simply just walked away?  If our own earthly daddy leaves us, what does that say about future men… What does that tell a child about God?  This absolutely shatters my heart! There are too many broken birdies out there suffering from this very root.

When you come from fear, you pursue either in prayer, in your heart, or even by reaching out to the one leaving. The desire to pursue and attempt to change the mind of the one that has closed their hearts to us is a natural response, I think. It is a part of grief. The problem begins when we pursue those we should let go of, those that didn’t value us. We need to heal not the latest abandonment but the one that started it all.

Beloved! When we do that, we replace the fear of what abandonment says we are and fill our hearts of the worthiness that God defines for us.

The truth is, God says we are more precious that rubies! We need to put on that beautiful adoration from Him and know that in the end, we know who He says HE is and and we know who He says WE are in Him. Not one person on this earth can ever compare to that.

God made a promise to us;  He will not forsake us for any other. He doesn’t abandon us, He never leaves us. He will not choose someone else over us. He is our bridegroom and he makes a covenant with us that will never be severed. We are valued and loved and cherished by The One most Holy!

We can’t make people love us but we can know that we are still loved and lovable. Because God says so.

Submitting every tear, every fear, every longing, every bit of hate, hurt and anger to Him. He asks us to bring our heartache, dashed hopes and broken dreams and lay them at His Perfect Feet.  Only then can he replace them with joy and peace.

When my heart, mind and trust is with my God, though the storm is raging, this boat is steady and firm. I may rock a bit from side to side, (this is still very painful!) there is a peace in my heart that is unexplainable. When I am in perfect harmony with Christ,  it truly is well within my soul.

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41: 10-13



Blessed Arms

7 May

It happens without warning.  You are doing something, or look up for a second from your task and the vision hits you.

Them….Him with her; It is almost a physical blow. You are thrown off kilter and it‘s as if your mind is betraying your fragile, broken heart. You can’t breathe.

Why does this thought come to me out of nowhere? Every time I think of them together,   a piece of me dies inside. I grieve from the depths of rejection, sorrow and abandonment.  Literally, it breaks me.

At a certain point, you have to let go, say goodbye… Grieve fully and let go. Only… he isn’t dead. He just became someone you didn’t know. In an instant.  In a moment, he changed your world without warning and without a discussion. You had no say. You were duped.

BUT… God. Amen.  God leans in and whispers in your ear,” I suffer this with you. You are my beloved and I suffer beside you. Your sorrow is felt by me as well. “

The Holy Spirit holds you a bit closer. God shows off a bit brighter, more brilliantly. Jesus shows up in unexpected ways, right when you need it. He is in a friends text, a friends voice, the friend that holds us and cries with us.

Jesus mourned. He suffered terribly from betrayal, from sorrow. He knows what we suffer. He cares deeply about our suffering. We are not alone. We are never alone. He understands.

Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, so that I am almost dying of sorrow. Stay here and stay awake and keep watch with Me” Matthew 26:38

We don’t hold people, we don’t control them.  What they do with their free will is not really within our grasp to predict or direct.

What we do have, is a Perfect Savior, He is in our hearts.  In this moment, even in this devastation,  I feel so held, so loved.  I have been alone in my life, but the truth I have walked for 7 years, is the truth that holds me so tightly now.

I am not alone.

He is with me in this sorrow. He grieves with me. He cries with me. He hold my tears in a jar.  He won’t change this. Not now. Not in this time. This may not be what I chose, but He holds it all in His hands. I just need to trust that.

And I do. And I cry. And I grieve. And I accept.

Thy will be done. Amen.

 “My eye grows dim with sorrow. O LORD, I have called on You every day; I have spread out my hands to You [in prayer].”

‭‭PSALM‬ ‭88:9‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Lost At Sea

2 May

In this life of blessings, there will also be loss.

It is in these desperate, painful longings that you reach for Him. It is unbearable to be alone.This is when our beautiful God shows himself fully and shows off mightily.

We are swiftly reminded that we are not lost, adrift at sea. He is our anchor, our eagle, our Lion of Judah; Our hope, our peace, our light, our rest.

Oh my, but, there is a true beauty within the raw agony of grief.

When you seek God, from such a humble, wounded place, His presence is just that much fuller. The Holy Spirit holds you tighter and is more present than any other time.

How grateful is this one broken heart, for a Savior that is so loving, so responsive, so perfect?

Cry out to the Holy Spirit to pray on your behalf. You don’t need to have words. He knows. Cry out to God to hold you tightly while you pour your heart out in tears. Cry out to Jesus, our rescuer for the redeeming hope he gives.  Write His words on your heart: “Thy will be done.”

I feel more beautiful in this raw state. Not to the world but to my Heavenly Father. It is such purity and truth.

Oh what an amazing life this is. Even the sorrow is so rich with life, peace and hope. Grace pours from Him, covering me, and then outward from the depths of my soul, bringing healing.

He is doing a good work within my soul and it is well. Trusting in Him, knowing, this too, came to me, sifted through His hands. It is meant for my journey. It is meant to bring Him glory.

You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”

Matthew 5:3-5 MSG

One Door Closes

25 Apr

I closed a chapter today.

I sent the “other woman” a letter. This will be my one and only contact of this woman. She is not really a part of my story.  If she knew about me, then I needed to forgive her. If she didn’t know about me, then she needed to know the truth. End of chapter.

What remains in my heart is this deep cry to the body. Cry to the church. Cry to my brothers! Cry to my sisters. Why? Why do you react so harshly to homosexuality and turn a blind eye to the friend engaging in porn? To your friend that sleeps around? To your friend that cheats? To divorce?

There is a war going on. Am I the only one seeing this? I am left to wonder ; Why isn’t my church body standing strong together, men helping men in their struggles with fidelity, with lust, with temptation that seems to be a struggle for the large part of the male church.

Women have so many opportunities to share their hearts. To be sharpened and encouraged by one another; To be supported, and held in times of trial and temptation.We sin in the same ways. I understand this but lust seems to be a stronghold for a vast majority of men.

Men of courage, step up, speak out, speak truth.  We need you desperately. We don’t need your opinion of other’s, we need your leadership and strength. We need your courage.

There is so much temptation, we need our men to help one another. We need the church to speak up about sexual sin and how weak the flesh is. We need to acknowledge that we are carnal, saved by Grace. We need the men of God to lead, support and encourage one another in truth. We women need to openly pray against the darkness that wants to separate.  We women need to pray together for the men of this world to step up. We need to pray for our hearts to be softened to being lead. Biblical leadership is beautiful. Honoring.

Lies cause us so much harm. The seeds of destruction begin with the smallest of lies. Truth is vital to having a relationship with Christ. Not because He expects it.  Satan has free access to all things kept in the dark. When we are truthful, we bring things into “the light”. The truth shall set you free truly means you let go of the bondage that a lie holds on you.

We are lying to ourselves when we look at things outside of ourselves. We can only truly be transformed, redeemed and made whole by Jesus Christ. One body for one Christ.

I long to see righteous men, rising up, leading by truth, love, mostly, by the Spirit. Lord ,I beg it of you. Teach us.

Keep in Step with the Spirit

16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy,[d] drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do[e] such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

This Story

19 Apr

When you find yourself devastated by someone else’s free will, there are steps we as Christians must take. We must take them in order to keep God as our idol. We have to give him the first and the most of this and not the person, the feelings or the fallout.

What does that mean?

First, we must submit to God. He is the authority over all, none is higher or more powerful than He.  Nothing, and I mean NOT ONE THING, comes to us without going through His hands first.  (Jeremiah 1:4-5)

If we are going to trust Him, we must trust in every moment.  One of the hardest parts of being Christian, for me, is to trust in something when I can’t see down the road. I struggle to “let Jesus take the wheel”. Job had to figure out that God was all knowing, and capable of determining his future. Ah. Yes.

When hard times come and we can’t see how it will turn out, our peace is challenged. Our ego is challenged.  Never allow Satan to distract you from where your treasure and hope reside, we do know how this will turn out.

Beloved, write these words on your heart!

Do not give to Satan in fear, what is meant to give to God in obedience. (Trust, faith and hope).

When everything is shattered and you don’t know where the pieces will land and you are terrified,hurting and powerless, just be in that, and submit. Like Job.(Job  42:2, Romans 8:28) )

Pour your heart out to God, Processing this as it comes, will help you from allowing seeds that are not of God, to enter your journey. (Philippians 4:13)

We need to sift the devastation to remove the idol of people and any unforgiveness.

You need to focus on truth. Your battle is not with a person. Your battle is with Satan.

Your devastator is losing their battle with darkness. This truth should remove any opportunity for Satan to start lying to you. Remind yourself that you are still in bosom of God and not lost at sea. God still has you, you are still the apple of His eye. Nothing can change God except for how you perceive Him. That is YOUR free will.

Your devastator is far from God by choice;  lost in sin and destruction. This should break your heart for them, more than for yourself, allowing for forgiveness and compassion over their choices; We should cry out for God to have mercy on their brokenness.

We must guard our hearts against every lie this carnal world will tell us. Do everything you can to forgive the devastating choices they made and the consequences of that.  Pray for them. They are dancing with Satan! Allow that pitiful thought to break your heart far more than the consequence their choice had on you. How devastating is their future? This makes me cry!

You know who has you in the palm of His hand. He is the light on your path. He is your comforter. You have a beautiful inheritance waiting for you.(Psalm 16:5-10)

Let me paint the picture:

There are two boys building a fort together. They have spent countless hours together. They have planned, gathered materials and tools; They are best friends. They are on a mission together. Suddenly, they come to a problem. One boy starts to reassess,  trying to figure out the challenge, issue. He goes inside to ask his dad for guidance. His dad gives them some instructions. While they are working at this the second boy sees another boy walking  by with a baseball bat on his way to the park. The second boy says I am going to play ball. They have a bit of an argument and he says to  his best friend, I hate the fort, your stupid and it’s your fault, this is not fun anymore. He runs after the boy with the baseball bat. They walk off arm in arm.

The boy left with the fort now has choices: He can sit and cry and do nothing. He can run after the one that left and quit building the fort. He can run back inside to his dad and ask him to come out and help him overcome the problem and complete the fort together.

My God wrote this story.  We can only read one word, one page, one chapter at time. I am enthralled by the storyline of my life.

My story is a good story. (Hebrews 12:1)



18 Apr

“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”‭‭Psalms‬ ‭118:24‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Beloved, rise up. Regardless of what sorrow is with you, rejoice anyway! 

The heaviness of life can seem overwhelming at times, but! But! We have a conqueror that goes before us. 

Trust in our perfect Father, trust in His perfect plan. Even when it hurts so badly,even when it’s more than you feel you can bear! Trust in Him and tell Him everything. 

Satan loves to mess with us when we have trials. Guard your thoughts and your heart. 

Let’s also be wise in our trial. Let’s remember, this is just a new trial. We’ve had many other trials before this one. Satan will make you think you can’t do this. Yes, you can! You! Are a lioness! Rememer! You have walked through the valley before and you will arrive on the other side again. 

If you want truth, look back and see that you had many trials, many times of hardship, even times of despair – and they are all behind you. You had times between those trials of absolute happiness. 

Let that comfort you, give you supernatural peace. Please, don’t give Satan your fear. 

The past shows us- with Christ, we can do all things. We can do the furnace with Him by our side.

This is our joy in the midst of sorrow. That even though we may be walking through hell, we are not walking alone and this will not last. 

Truth is truth. So wake up and rejoice in this day that you still get to hope for the future, that you get to be loved so very much. That you are free! That you will meet someone today that needs your joy! 

Time Spent

31 Dec

Today I finished reading the entire Bible. I had a couple of days, not many where I missed and had to catch up but mostly, I just read my bible every morning.

I walked through the beginning, I walked through the Books of Moses, I walked with Jesus, Paul, John, David, Daniel and Peter. I walked through the Prophecies and Revelations.

I thought I would be so much wiser! Able to quote a scripture or recall a verse or atleast a book in the bible. But, no. I still need God for that.

I am sitting here wondering at the wisdom of our amazing God.  No matter what we learn, which I thought reading the whole bible would empower me somehow, He humbles us.

Though I may not feel wiser, in looking back, it is not unnoticed by me that there was calmness, steadiness in this year I read the bible.

When I look back;  it has been full of many blessings (did I notice them enough? Did I praise You Lord, enough?) The trials and testing have been there too. Challenges to my character, to my wholeness, that can only strengthen or weaken my faith.

I can step back and observe, my faith is strengthened. Though I feel a bit less light. Less fun, less funny.

I remember in the early days of this incredible journey, people would call me a baby christian (it annoyed me! ha!). They would comment on my enthusiasm for Jesus. I was overflowing with Joy. It bubbled up from deep within me and just poured out. I prayed to never lose that, to never forget what that felt like to me.I do remember and still feel that at times.  I see now, there was a lot of drama in the emotion of my early days in mylove affair with Jesus and my salvation. What I share now is deeper. calmer.

I still have my moments of drama in the hardships, but today as I look back on my year in the bible, I see so much beauty. Beauty I was not even aware of yesterday, but see so clearly today. I kept saying I felt so held. I can see this in action now.

By reading the bible everyday, I stayed connected to God. I didn’t see that until just this moment. Even in the boring chapters! ha! (I am sorry, but honestly found all the measurement chapters of the Books of Law, difficult to read!) But I read them. And I posted scripture most every day to my Fellowship page on Facebook. Those days blended and the books of the law truly didn’t seem to be anything more than a history lesson. Good to know, but not vital. but wow! Looking back!

It is all so clear to me today. Over the year, I attended prayer studies and faced some very real attacks by Satan.  I didn’t finish a single bible study I began.But… I kept reading the bible every morning.

That is the only constant. The only truth.

The more I tried to analyze and “fix” my journey, or discussed how much more “held” I felt, I just kept reading the bible every morning.

In the end, it is not the human element of wisdom or  ‘I will find my answer in a scripture’ formula of reading the bible that I was accomplishing. It was the daily time with God and I that was building a resilience in me.  A strength of relationship.

That is what my Jesus Calling did for me a few years back; this is what any devotion will do for us.

I will begin a new journey for 2017. I know there are trials ahead and joys to be had. This life is a rocky road leading towards the goal of eternity. I will continue to keep my focus on God. My true north, my compass, my only hope. Even if what I read seems not to be essential in my journey, it is the journey itself, the act of time with Him that keeps me close.

There is the wisdom gained;This is the truth I sought to understand. If you want to strengthen your relationship with God, it just takes doing it. Spending time with him. Every single day.

Happy New Year! Love from this imperfect, God fearing, hope filled creation of His.


 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and helpyou;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)