Tag Archives: gay

Finding Light in the Dark

9 Jun

As we hear about so many suicides, I think about all that I have walked in the nearly 8 years since my overwhelming experience with God; The night that changed everything.  July 9,2010.

What if?  What if I had not decided to go to Friday night church. What if I hadn’t told Pastor Jeff my plan. The plan I made earlier that week. What if Sue and Jeff hadn’t spent the evening talking with me, and praying with me? What if God had not intervened.

What I understand is the blackness. I understand the desire to not feel so much pain any longer, to not feel like a burden or invisible. To not feel so wrong and out of place. To not feel plastic in a plastic world. To not feel discardable. (is that a word?). I understand the isolation of being strong and not telling. No one knew.

What I found was an eye opening, amazing love from and for a God I finally believed was real. Everything crashed down around me and I had nothing left. I was at rock bottom. What I found there was Him. In all His sweetness and love, I found the beginning of a love for a creation He called Beckie. I found a purpose.

What I found was a peace that settle so completely on my soul that night. By morning I was walking on sunshine; From the pit of despair to pure joy. Free.

What felt like a bottomless black, a pain-filled nothingness; morphed instantly into a joy beyond measure. I found my redemption, my forgiveness, the promises of true forever. Hope.

God breathed new life into my weary soul.  I am one of the blessed ones. Blessed to be a blessing.

My sweet friend committed suicide when we were 19. I loved Julie and it broke my heart when she left us. I  still talk to her, still think of her so often. My friend Ron, just took his life 4 years ago this summer. My son, who loves Jesus deeply, through his own journey with coming to terms with his homosexuality, walked a depressed and difficult path. He didn’t come to terms with his own path until he was 31 and it has cost him much in this world. He once told me “if you knew who I was, you would hate me”.  He had his attempts, and many trials. This world is sure unkind to those that don’t fit the world’s view of “acceptable”, those who’s sin is obvious. Especially the saved only by Grace,from their own ugly sin” Christian world.

As christian’s, there is a disparity between being the judgmental harm-doer’s and walking as the truth tellers, not so much in word but in action. If our judgement is keeping someone from seeing God, then we are not walking in truth, nor with Him. I don’t want to be known by the rules I keep, I want to be known by The One that keeps me. Period!

God gave us a perfect savior; A hope despite this broken world. He makes us righteous. I really can’t even make it a day without sin. Sin is between God and I and in the end, all sin is equal. It all drives a wedge between us and Him, but at the end of the day, He loves us anyways. Submission isn’t free from sin, it is an act of surrendering your pride and self sufficiency and acknowledging that “I can’t achieve Heaven without you Lord. Embracing Christ and His death as your only hope.” Hard and easy to do all at once. But He is very helpful. Yes. He is.

Scripture states that we are saved when we proclaim and believe that we are set free by the blood of Christ. Once saved, always saved. It is a very dangerous place to dwell, inside a kind of “judge and jury” of other’s. I choose to take a more humble approach and know that even strong people, even excellent people stumble. Every day.

We have to stop with the right’s and wrong’s and get back to truth. Christians need to LIVE The Word of God in “transparent, less than perfect, need a savior  every single day of my life -because I stink at achieving perfect sin-less-ness without Him” Spending time in The Word, being transparent with God and allowing Him to change us. For His glory!

We need to look beyond the pointed fingers to see the need. To see sorrow in eyes that are haunted. To see anger in eyes that are weary, sick of how hard this world is. See into the eyes that can’t look at us, Eyes that are afraid or ashamed.  We need to be so apparent in our humble (not of our own making) loving kindness (because He has loved us so much) that people are willing to share with us. Willing to trust us.

This world is out of control in many ways, Our world is spinning so fast now. Pain and suffering all around us.

Seriously,  Be a light. Be hope for those that are grasping for a reason to hope.

Be the one that saves the one, like me. God leaves the 99 for the 1. Because the 99 already have a future with Him. He already has the 99 beheld. The one that wanders is more passionately desired and pursued by God than those of us already in His loving Grace.

When you sit in a judgement filled world, trying to protect the values you say you believe in, while you use your words as weapons, as unleashed punishment and sit on a bit of a higher plane, thinking you have this Christianity right, just know that I pray in earnest for you. For you to find the truth.

We need be truth tellers, absolutely. Mostly in our actions. Our tongue is too unpredictable.
God says: Ask, Seek and Knock!

Ask, and you will receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened for you. Everyone who asks will receive. Everyone who searches will find. And the door will be opened for everyone who knocks. Matthew 7:7-8 

He loves us. He loves us so much. He loves us in our broken down yuck. He loves us in our prideful state. He loves us regardless of how far off the path we have gotten. That is the God I found at the pit of despair. A loving, kind, strong, protective, never-ending presence, pursuing, giant of a God.

Blessings are not financial, they are Him. His peace. Grace and Mercy. Remember…”If it isn’t true for the believer that has to beg for food, or seek to find water for her child, then it isn’t true.” That is the God that is truth. The God that is beyond our circumstances, beyond what is here and now. He is every present, ever knowing, ever loving, always.  He doesn’t change. Not ever.

I don’t know why we reject Him. I know I sure did!  I think it’s partly because we think God makes life rosy, ( His own son suffered terribly, so no, that isn’t truth) I believe it’s because people have really messed up the image of Him. People have done horrible things in His name. But that isn’t God. That isn’t Christ. That is just additional people that need Him, need to really understand who He really is.
Being self reliant lead me down a dark path. Eventually, I had to come to the place where I knew I needed Him, being made whole has changed my world.  It is still changing me. I am still growing and learning and becoming a better Christ follower. But don’t look at me, look at Him. He is the model. I am the one running all over the place!
If you are that one, the one that is hurting and thinking that the way out is death, please seek Him first. Please see that it’s all lies. The idea that it will never get better, that you can’t get through this, that this is too hard. Please talk to me or someone like me. Try God!

“Ask, and the gift is yours. Seek, and you’ll discover. Knock, and the door will be opened for you. For every persistent one will get what he asks for. Every persistent seeker will discover what he longs for. And everyone who knocks persistently will one day find an open door Matthew 7:7-8 TPT.

[a]Ask and keep on asking and it will be given to you; seek and keep on seeking and you will find; knock andkeep on knocking and the door will be opened to you.For everyone who keeps on asking receives, and he who keeps on seeking finds, and to him who keeps on knocking, it will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8 AMP.

 

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Every Precious Life

11 Mar

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.~Matthew 10:29-31

Someone posted this photo on Facebook. I hesitate to share this post. I steer clear of politics as much as possible, but feel God put this on my heart heavily, to share my thoughts. What strikes me about this picture is that it is aimed at Christians, and it comes from a place of seeing the hypocrisy in us, from a place of feeling judged in the name of Christ.

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The truth of my walk is this, the deeper I go in my relationship with Christ, the more I abide in love. I used to abide in the law, in the order of things, right and wrong, opinions that were very black and white. That was my security, that was how I remained in the false sense that all was under control; That I was in control.

The more I learn, the absolute belief that every moment, every part of our journey and every being is a perfect creation of God himself, even before conception. The bible tells us that every hair is perfectly placed; every life is lovingly designed, by Him, for a purpose. God loves with a love that you and I will never understand or ever come close to.

I love the Lord and know He loves us all. If He can love a sinner like me, a person so full of mistakes and imperfection, then I know this to be truth: If there is to be any judging it will be on me.

1 John 4:8 (NIV) 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Lord, you didn’t say, “except for those people, they need to be judged” you said “love, as I have loved you”. Please, let me always be an example of your love.

Walking in faith isn’t about changing laws, it is about changing hearts. If I could inspire a love for Christ, then I know His great power to change hearts and lives. I don’t judge on either above “political” issue, but I do so love my gay friends and family members;I do so love the babies. Truth is, I will hurt forever for the life I took.

I wouldn’t lobby, argue or fight on either political issue, but my one true hope, as a Christian, is that I would be willing to lay my life down for both, for all.

John 15:12-13 (NIV) My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Galatians 1:15 (NIV)
15 But when God, who set me apart from my mother’s womb and called me by his grace, was pleased

Jeremiah 1:4-5(NIV)
The Call of Jeremiah

4 The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

John 1:3 (KJV)
3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.

The Word is Love

9 Feb

Dear World,

Do not judge my Father or my Savior by the sins of man, we are all broken sinners, Christ followers or not. Read my Father’s words, to know Him. Talk to Him. He will show you who you are and who He is. He will give you the people you need, He will guide you. He is there and you can feel Him near. He will never stop pursuing you, because He loves you. You don’t need me to tell you these things. You need Him.

It doesn’t matter who we are, unbeliever’s, Pastor, child, newly saved or saved our whole lives; We all sin. We are, none of us, without fault worthy of judgement. God will find you exactly where you are. There is not one of us unworthy in God’s eyes.

“Jesus Loves me this I know!” You are loved, and He will find you where you are. And we are called to walk in that same Love.To walk in Love means you walk with the same Love, Grace, Mercy and Forbearance that He shows us every day.

One of the greatest mistakes we make as Christians, is to put a human unkindness to God’s words. If we warped God’s word to hurt others, are we not actually doing Satan’s work? If we sit in judgement of someone that is different from us, we can even quote scripture to prove our point, but so can satan. Scripture is meant to guide me, to teach me, with gentle reproach, with loving encouragement and hope,to validate God, not to reject, hurt or belittle.

He has pursued me with a beautiful relationship, given me scripture for me to grow in my faith, to find wisdom I don’t possess on my own,surrounded me with friendships to support me, given me Shepherds to guide me and convict me; All to help me walk in the world in a way that honors Him and shows gratitude for all I have received. Growing in faith and His Light slowly removes that ego little by little;Less of you, more of Him.

1 Corinthians 13(VOICE)
(Gifts of the Spirit, which are intended to strengthen the church body, often divide the body because members of the church elevate those who possess the more visible gifts over those whose gifts function in the background. In fact, this is the very problem facing the Corinthians. So while talking about the importance and function of these gifts in chapters 12 and 14, Paul shifts his focus to the central role love plays in a believer’s life in chapter 13. Love is essential for the body to be unified and for members to work together. Members of the body that are very different, with little in common, are able to appreciate and even enjoy others because of the love that comes when a life is submitted to God.)

13 What if I speak in the most elegant languages of people or in the exotic languages of the heavenly messengers, but I live without love? Well then, anything I say is like the clanging of brass or a crashing cymbal. 2 What if I have the gift of prophecy, am blessed with knowledge and insight to all the mysteries, or what if my faith is strong enough to scoop a mountain from its bedrock, yet I live without love? If so, I am nothing. 3 I could give all that I have to feed the poor, I could surrender my body to be burned as a martyr, but if I do not live in love, I gain nothing by my selfless acts.

(Paul boils it all down for the believers in Corinth. Religious people often spend their time practicing rituals, projecting dogma, and going through routines that might look like Christianity on the outside but that lack the essential ingredient that brings all of it together—love! It is a loving God who birthed creation and now pursues a broken people in the most spectacular way. That same love must guide believers, so faith doesn’t appear to be meaningless noise.)

4 Love is patient; love is kind. Love isn’t envious, doesn’t boast, brag, or strut about. There’s no arrogance in love; 5 it’s never rude, crude, or indecent—it’s not self-absorbed. Love isn’t easily upset. Love doesn’t tally wrongs 6 or celebrate injustice; but truth—yes, truth—is love’s delight! 7 Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trusts, hopes, and endures no matter what. 8 Love will never become obsolete. Now as for the prophetic gifts, they will not last; unknown languages will become silent, and the gift of knowledge will no longer be needed. 9 Gifts of knowledge and prophecy are partial at best, at least for now, 10 but when the perfection and fullness of God’s kingdom arrive, all the parts will end. 11 When I was a child, I spoke, thought, and reasoned in childlike ways as we all do. But when I became a man, I left my childish ways behind. 12 For now, we can only see a dim and blurry picture of things, as when we stare into polished metal. I realize that everything I know is only part of the big picture. But one day, when Jesus arrives, we will see clearly, face-to-face. In that day, I will fully know just as I have been wholly known by God. 13 But now faith, hope, and love remain; these three virtues must characterize our lives. The greatest of these is love.

Just Him

19 Jun

I am not religious, I am on a journey. My journey is a growing journey, a path of Love; Of Peace; Of Hope; Of Joy.

I am sorry for every time you thought you were being hurt by the Christian and not the human. I am sorry people hurt others in the name of God when it truly is in the name of a cause or an ego. But you know, that people that hurt others are really hurting within themselves.

I am sorry if you were disillusioned, mislead or harmed by Religion; I was. It was the great lie of Should’s and Should nots. I didn’t know God. I didn’t understand Faith. I only knew I was unworthy. I thought you had to be “good” to get to heaven. Great question would be “how good do you have to be to get in?” I was never going to be good enough.

I love my Lord, my Rescuer, my Hope.. I love the Bible, it keeps me together and it is, to me, incredibly alive. I love Church, it lets me dig deeper; seek Him more. I am nourished and fed; I feel a sense of sameness, of oneness.

What I am not is perfect. What I am not is good enough for heaven. What I am not is Holy enough. I am only saved because of Grace; Forgiven not because I became holy but because I was struck by the amazing realization that inspite of how wrong I can get it, He died for me, he took pity on me and with Mercy for me, took my sin and suffered a horrible death for me.

I still mess up. I still have moments of weakness. I still get caught up in things that certainly don’t serve God. I have been attacked, lied about, judged. I am despised by some,even those that don’t know me. I am judged as holier than thou, yet I strive to wear my sin openly, strive to be transparent in my journey to become a light of God. What I desire is not your approval but for you to know the relationship I know with God. It is incredible. I didn’t become a religious person, the scales of blindness just fell away. Because I walk with Him every day, He changes me;there are things that become less important over time; other things that replace those that fall away.

There is a work going on inside my heart. I see this world with different eyes. It is this amazing journey of pride and rebelliousness to peace, loving gentleness and growing selflessness. Remain [in HIM} is a definition, a natural follow-up to the words ‘I do’ believe. It is a peace-filled passive term of acceptance AND a word that requires action. This development of relationship in which we, after receiving our salvation, need to grow in. Like any relationship, you don’t get to “acceptance” in one step. It is over time, over sorrows, over missteps, over hope. It is the building of a trusting relationship with God. It requires us to ebb and flow as we give and take back, seek and turn away, until we develop a deep and trusting, committed, and incredible relationship where we are almost walking a bit in Heaven everyday. And when we arrive at this amazing place, we can look back and see that He remained with us because we said I do.

This is my religion. There is nothing I fear. There is just hope, joy and incredible trust. There is just The Holy Spirit, My God and My Savior.

You don’t get to heaven by being good!

18 May

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.Romans 3:23 NIV

There is so much God is putting on my heart right now; The words are many in my head. I pray I am able to express His words here and not my own. This is a powerful message and an important one for our times. I tremble a little as I begin write.

We walk this world with a selfish need to be loved,wanted,accepted; to be right,validated,gratified and to be looked at as the benchmark of correctness. We are born with this ego. It starts at birth. Our demands for our needs becomes a demand for our wants. We begin in truth, as we grow, we redefine truth to fit our ego. We learn young to find the measure of gratifying our ego; we use a collective whole of man’s definition, mind you, these would not be the words of Jesus, but those that He got angry with or those who persecuted Him.

We are all created by God, our lives mapped out long before we were conceived;our journeys carefully laid with joy and suffering,with amazing lessons and blessings along the way. Some were born to be highly educated, some were born to be simple leaders, some were born to be helpers, some were born to sing, some were born to plant. We all have incredible gifts. We all have heartache and struggle in our journey as well.

Here is the message in this. God isn’t judging, God is beckoning. God isn’t punishing, God is teaching and molding His sinners.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NKJV)
8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

If your words include exclusion, judgment, unkindness, sneering, belittling, finger pointing, blame, hatred, unacceptance, dislike, bitterness, aggression, unforgiveness, this also means your thoughts are there, meaning your heart is there.

Each of our journeys are completely littered with sin, our pathway defiled by our thoughts. I didn’t seek to change one single thing about myself,I was transformed by a pain so huge, it broke down the wall of pride and fear that kept me from seeing. What a gift to be so loved by God that I had to lose myself to find Him; To see the amazing person He created in me.

By understanding,accepting fully and cherishing that, because Jesus died for me, I am saved; Heaven awaits my future. I didn’t do anything correctly, or become Godly, I just simply love Jesus with all of my heart and soul. I grasped at His hand and He caught me. The rest is beyond my understanding.

There are those that are so prideful, they exclude and they label. Right and wrong; in and out. They see fault and blame others. They use the bible or popular opinion to put themselves in the right category and others in the wrong catagory. They are so busy seeking to control their world and the people around them. Let me say this: Jesus loved the prostitutes, the lepers, the outcasts and the broken,without fail. He didn’t control them, he didn’t cripple them, he simply reached out a hand and gave them the words of wisdom to walk on their own journey, then he let them go. He didn’t give them excuses, or take them under his wing. He empowered them with understanding of their own strength. With love.

There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor? James 4:12

In regards to Homosexuality, I believe that Homosexuals are loved, and if God didn’t want them to be saved, He wouldn’t have sent Jesus who saves us all. If he hated them, He would transform all the Gay men and women that love the Lord to not be Gay. He doesn’t. He transforms their hearts, but not their love. Now if a person, gay or straight, is promiscuous, He most likely will transform that. Love never undermines our relationship with God. I know this because He has transformed my whole being. The transformation happens slowly over time, each lesson learned teaches new wisdom. God doesn’t teach me with judgement, I don’t learn from others judgement. I learn from letting go of my own thought process and opening my eyes and seeking God’s wisdom.

Romans 11:6 And if by grace, then is it no more of works: otherwise grace is no more grace. But if it be of works, then it is no more grace: otherwise work is no more work.

As my transformation continues, as I become closer and closer to God, as my wisdom grows, I see less and less sin in the world, less darkenss but rather I see amazing beauty in others. The more love I receive from God, the more pours out of my soul. There are those that hate me, those that love me, those that just don’t know what to make of me! haha. I pray for every single person that comes into my view, sometimes its after I have reacted to their reaction to me. Alas, I will never be sinless. Ever. Thank God, because as long as I am sinner, I need Him to hold my hand.

Romans 3:19 Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God. 20 Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin.

Righteousness Through Faith

Romans 3:21 But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22 This righteousness is given through faith in[h] Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25 God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement,[i] through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— 26 he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

27 Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. Because of what law? The law that requires works? No, because of the law that requires faith. 28 For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law. 29 Or is God the God of Jews only? Is he not the God of Gentiles too? Yes, of Gentiles too, 30 since there is only one God, who will justify the circumcised by faith and the uncircumcised through that same faith. 31 Do we, then, nullify the law by this faith? Not at all! Rather, we uphold the law.