Tag Archives: lies

Blessed Lessons

22 Oct

As we journey through our lives, we will find ourselves either between trials or smack dab in the middle of one.  We can’t stop trials from happening, nor can we “snap out of it” when the very pain we feel is exactly what is meant to bring us to our knees, closer to Him.

Coming out from under darkness, from unraveling the lies, I can get very caught up in the why’s and the how’s and the what is the matter with me?  I wonder when I stopped listening to God, stopped hearing Him.  [The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (psalm 111:10) the fear of man is the beginning of folly]-Jen Wilken

When we think in terms of “our” decisions, “our” consequences, “our” pain, “our” journey,  we fool ourselves thinking we could actually stop the tide from rising.  How did I let this happen?

A friend quoted this to me yesterday. She said “ If we knew in advance, God’s plan for our lives, we would pray to be exactly where we are at, right now”.

Would I really? I pondered that question and even dreamed about it. I know the answer to most certainly to be yes. I just don’t want to suffer, none of us want to suffer.

The enemy will lie, cheat and steal to gain his footing.  “The Lion is most handsome when he is hunting for food”-Rumi

He is the one that goes before me, behind me and nothing, nothing comes to us that didn’t go through His hands.  When peace is not mine, when the storm is brewing, He whispers “Come” (Matthew 14:23)

I am grateful for Him. For all He is and does, even when I don’t see it at the time.

The truth is: When I feel alone, He brings me someone who is alone too, to share the journey together. When my enemies lie about me, He brings me truth and reminds me of all that He is and who I am in Him. When I get lost in fears , He reminds me  He is the creator of all things.

Today, I am grateful for friends that bear with my crazy long enough for me to shut out the lies of satan and help me to hear my beloved Father’s voice again.

Today, I am grateful for this loving heart he put inside of me.  I am grateful for the truth:  This loving heart that without seeking wisdom, without discernment, was so easily misled. Grateful that  in the end, this is truly a gift from God. This heart He placed in me, was able to share the broken journey of a friend.  “Blessed to be a blessing”, we are meant to share our journey; Meant to carry the heavy bucket of trial together.  (Proverbs 11:25-31 and 2 Corinthians 9:8-11).

Today I am grateful for a God that has this difficult journey all mapped out regardless of how much I get in the way, for loving me even in my wrecked completeness. Grateful that when I bring to Him my bad decisions, my unholy thoughts, my wrong thinking, my lack of faith,my dishonesty, my yuck, He loves me anyways. Always brushing me off and putting me right back on His pathway.

He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. Psalm 40:2 KJV

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The Valley

24 Jun

There are many things that happen when you face divorce and every person and situation is different. This is my perspective, divorce from a final discovery of betrayal.

Divorce has grief stages no matter what the reasons for the divorce are or who initiated it.

The initial devastation of discovering another affair was truly it’s own stage. It isn’t listed in the 5 stages, but it was very real to me! It is the numb, just got hit by a train, can’t believe it, how can I do this, I can’t breathe stage. The please stop talking and saying things stage and the I can’t even begin to eat as to swallow anything is impossible stage.

Even though I knew I had had enough of the lies and women, even as he asked me to reconsider, even though I knew I had to say “no more”, I died a little at the thought. But.. It was time to let go. And then, I simply fell apart. This will be an added thing you need to forgive.

I want to say that God was on my mind in that, but I simply went white noise. He was in it, He was all over it, covering me, bringing people to me,bringing me through it, but I don’t really remember much of those first days or weeks.  There was always something, but this was different, this cut deeply and to the core. This severed it all. The lies were too many and too good. And you need to forgive this too.

Divorce is so painful, so terrible. Every single thing changes. All that you become used to; the rituals, your comfort things, your plans, the phone calls, the end of the day conversations. Everything stops.. Almost everything familiar to you changes. It is truly something you must mourn. Unlike a death, you have to see this person. Worse yet, them, the two of them.

Two months in to this, I had a project, a large event that I had been working on for months. When it was over, and such a great success, I no longer had him waiting to hear all about it. It broke me in half. I had no one to go home to, to share it with. Another layer of sorrow, of broken promises and dreams and then you forgive.

There is so much to process and grieve in the change and end of all that becomes familiar. Truly, divorce is a grieving experience that needs to be acknowledged. The end of commitment, he broke the covenant he made with God and with you. It is the end of all you invested. It can be really hard to see where any of that investment went. My final truth is this, trust God with that. Our prayers never die. They are counted forever. He holds them along with our tears.

When you divorce, you lose a family. I embraced and loved his father, caring for him several days a month. I had fallen in love with his sweet daughter. That too becomes a closed door, something that was. You feel the hurt of silence, then you place it back with God to heal and you forgive.

You grieve the hopes, and everything you looked forward to. Cancelling trips, plans and having to realize all that you looked forward to, your future together, is over. The hopes and dreams died a sudden death. You then forgive this too.

Hitting the last straw of betrayals, because the betrayals were so many, the deceit, it didn’t make the hurt of it any less. I think the hardest part of a third party, is the cheater doesn’t really deal with the ending. They are running to the beginning. There is a fine line to watch when you are the one left to hurt. You have to be so careful of the landmines of comparison, “they are happy, and not alone”.

You have to be careful to not allow that to impede your progress of processing the pain of the loss. It is so important to realize, when there is adultery, that we absolutely haven’t and cannot do anything to deserve that. That truly is our partner’s sin and flaw, not ours. Just stay present in your own journey through grief. Again…forgiveness is key.

Rejoice in the moments when you find yourself laughing again. Enjoy that! When those thoughts of being alone overwhelm you while they are happy, know that your happiness will be from within. It will be fraught from the depths of healing and true growth when you fully embrace your pain. Give your sorrow, jealousy and displaced wishes straight to God to bind up. Share that with a trusted friend. Pray together. We have to almost eulogize those memories. And then you forgive.

Each tear, each moment of raw anger, each time you recall another lie or how they hurt you; feel it, and then forgive it. These are all healthy. Let those feelings come, truly feel it, learn from it, forgive them or yourself or both, and then give it to God.

Working through the emotions as they come is so important. The disturbed sleep patterns, the emotions that one minute are peaceful, the next you almost can’t breathe it hurts so much, to breaking down the minute you are alone in your car or worse, in the store. The anger and frustration over small things; Feel them and then surrender them. Breathe in the Holy Spirit and exhale the spent, raw emotion.

Surround yourself with good friends; Friends that let you feel safe and allow you to process your feelings.They pick up the phone when you call just to make sure you are okay. They empathize and don’t belittle you for feeling something, nor do they tell you what you need to do. The emotions can be a bit chaotic as they come and go so quickly, that begins to smooth out over time. Be proactively protective of your journey. If someone tells you how to feel or how to process or shuts you down, walk away. This is not healthy for you. Simply seek to bear with them, be patient and then, yes, forgive them.

Be kind to yourself. Be your own friend. God is with you, you aren’t alone. Know that you are grieving, and it requires you to work through your emotions.
The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. When a sudden ending happens, like my situation, an affair, you also have to add PTSD type grief which, is the white noise initial reaction..

Symptoms of grief include: Disbelief, confusion, sense of guilt, anger, depression, sadness and denial, loss of appetite, nausea, apathy, decreased energy, lethargy, agitation, crying, sighing, emptiness, heaviness, lump in your throat, heart palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, dry mouth, dizziness, rashes, restlessness. Sleep disturbances, insomnia or sudden awakening, absent-minded behavior, searching, social withdrawal, dreams and nightmares. I experienced every single one except a rash.

Lean into your faith, don’t pressure yourself to “let it go”. Divorce hurts! Regardless of whether it was planned, whether you initiated it or you were dumped, you must walk through the process. The chaotic, full range of all the stages all at once or several times a day. You process, learn, forgive, and grow.

Don’t pretend you’re okay, don’t hide your feelings, don’t try to be strong. Cry when you need to cry and call friends when you struggle. My best friend has walked me through many emotional moments. Healing comes when you face them head on, feel them and walk or crawl through them. Keep talking, keep crying, keep ranting, keep reading scripture, keep giving it to God;  just keep moving through it. One day you breathe a little easier, one day you realize you don’t think about them as often or what you hoped for, as often.

God has much to say to the brokenhearted. He loves us always but He is especially gentle with our broken places. He collects our tears in a jar. He comes in closer, holds us tighter, carries our hearts more carefully. Grief has such a beauty in it, but it is so raw and so painful, it is a beauty none of us really want to ever journey.

What I have come to understand is that it is far more about the dreams and the hopes than it is ever was about the person. Coming to terms of what is truth rather than what you thought was truth. Yes. Forgive them, and mourn the end. Divorce is a death of a relationship. You owe it to yourself to heal your broken heart.. Fully, and without judgement.

Most of all, remember, this is not a surprise to God. He still has you, He still holds your future. He is still beside you, and He longs for you to lean in, trust Him with all of this. He has many more journeys planned for us. This love story never ends.

Ephesians 4:31-32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

Psalm 147:3  “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. “

 

 

 

 

The Truth Sets You Free

27 May

We battle with this world on a constant basis; we war with one another, we war with ourselves, we even war with God, at times. The very basis of truth in that is this: we only have one enemy, our war is with Satan.

We are victorious in Christ.

I am so far from perfect, God knows this! His forbearance of my stumbles has set the example for me to bear all things from those around me! It is a constant decision I have to make, and don’t always, obviously. In my short marriage, I learned to focus on grace and seeing the parts of my husband that were wonderful in order to not betray, reject or abandon him. Forgiveness and Grace are only possible by submitting and seeing the greater purpose, God.

In order for my husband to betray me and bring an end to our brief marriage, he had to to tune out the voice of God and believe the lies Satan told him. He had to hear Satan tell him to focus on the parts of me and our marriage that weren’t perfect. He had to, in order to betray, reject and abandon me. When we don’t fully understand our own own salvation, or how to even embrace Grace and Mercy, we simply are too vulnerable.  That is Satan, and he will follow it up with “life is too short to be unhappy”.  People don’t make us unhappy, we allow Satan to do that to us, for us and with us.

“From Lead like Jesus:Fear and Pride always separates us from God, from one another and even from ourselves. “ (EGO= Edge God Out) 

I read an article about the Lake of Fire. Revelations is a bit daunting to me, I become a bit frightened sometimes, reading it. As a sinner that struggles to trust in Jesus, Satan can seriously mess with me with that! I can go down the rabbit hole and question, am I truly saved?  Oh God, how I fear for those that walked away and rejected Him. What about those that don’t even know what is to come?  The second death of being thrown into the sea of fire, is so frightening. Thank you Lord for Grace! Please Lord, let me be an instrument of your message of hope to save people from that death!

“What hope have we for deliverance from the “second death” if not the suffering of its pains, in our place, by the Son of God? If I receive the “crown of life”, which I don’t deserve, in place of the “lake of fire”, which I do deserve, it can only be for one reason: Jesus Christ,” Rick Warren

We are not going to be thrown in to the fire because we do things wrong! We will be thrown in because we refused to believe we have been saved from the fire by Christ!

I completely believe that that mustard seed of faith is as important as my deep end of the pool is.  My deep end comes with far more expectations than an un-awakened believer or sadly, the Christian seeking redemption through rules and judgement’s of who is and who isn’t doing it right!  But, even in the deep end, I am vulnerable, I allow Satan to mess with my mind!

God doesn’t demand order, he puts the chaos into order, because we can’t. We are constant chaos.  We are so double-minded, we lie to ourselves constantly. We get tossed about.

Who among us, truly, is so focused on Heaven, that this world never causes us distress. Who is so strong in their faith that they never battle with Satan and his lies. Who? Not one of us. Some have heard so much untruth in our early lives, we were so hurt, we truly don’t know how to not believe the lies. It is far more difficult to believe we are so incredibly loved and forgiven by a perfect God, than to believe we are not worthy by a lying enemy.

Christ was tempted. He can understand our hardships and weakness because He experienced it here. He went through horrible trials, temptation, and battles. He was perfect, victorious, every single time as an example.  I see the written word of how Christ walked this world, not as the hopeful example of how I should walk, (which my whole journey leads me down that path, but never to perfection) but the submission to the one so strong and perfect that He was able to save me from my weakness and imperfection. From that perspective, I am stronger, more powerful, because He lives in me. Satan has no hold. I can’t, but Christ can.

If we don’t fully understand the Power of the Cross, the grace and mercy that comes with that, we are powerless to give it to others. Worse yet, if we don’t understand that we are saved from the lake of fire, how can we be? It is the basis for forgiveness. If we truly believe God has forgiven us for being sinners, we can forgive others. That is faith! That is obedience.

Faith is the root, the need and the core of every bit of our walk.  We are all sinful. It is horrible to me to see the depth of suffering that is to come for those that don’t believe. There are life long Christians that have not understood the power of surrender, that see obedience as a way of living, rather than a way of submitting and surrendering, they have only a mustard seed, or maybe they don’t even have that! Hope for it to be truth is submission in its own right. Doubt that the cross was enough for everyone, is not faith at all.

The wisdom of King Solomon pours out from the pages, but at the end of the day this is his summary of our purpose.

13 That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. 14 God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad. –Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

Jesus said…Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

16 “For this is how God loved the world: He gave[g] his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

18 “There is no judgment against anyone who believes in him. But anyone who does not believe in him has already been judged for not believing in God’s one and only Son. 19 And the judgment is based on this fact: God’s light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. 20 All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. 21 But those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what God wants.[h]

They come to the light. They see that their actions are sinful and they need a savior. They turn to Jesus to rescue them, to save them from eternal judgement while they are still sinners! They aren’t perfect, they are humbled and worshipful. They fear God and seek to love others enough to help them to see their need for Christ. The light, The hope.

Paul tells us this truth!

 There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Rom 8:1).

Those of us that put all of our hope in Christ, know that this world is short and the second death will come one day. Heaven is our hope! This world hurts! I can’t wait to be in the presence of Christ and to dwell in HIS house forever.

As long as I walk this world, I will need Christ and I will sin. I will stumble, I will fall, I will continually need to cry out to him in trials and need to praise Him for His blessings. I am just a mere mortal. I am weak, He is strong.  But God! I am made strong in Him.

I will never stop praying for those that can’t seem to find Him because they can’t seem to let go of self hatred. Stop trying to run from your sins, lie about your sins or even suffer or pay for your sins. Simply just tell him the truth! Simply surrender that you are sinful, that you are weak, that you can’t do it yourself and humbly ask Jesus to help you. Then… you believe you are saved. You then can stop listening to the lies that you are too far gone for God to simply forget your sins. When you ask Him to forgive you, believe that He does! Because He does!

There is not one single good church,good pastor or humbled christian that doesn’t welcome your honest questions, nor will they judge you for your sins. They will give you guidance and hope.

32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”John 8:32