Tag Archives: loss

Never Alone

13 Dec

Spending the evening with a community of givers, showering 24 foster boys with love and gifts for Christmas, filled my heart to overflowing.

The night turned my thoughts to the evident, loving hand of God. These boys have struggled and some have gone through things none of us can imagine, some of us can.  If you could have been in that room full of the body that cares, witnessing the gifts they gave the boys, in presents and presence; You would feel humbled and moved, cup overflowing too.

Some of these boys stand out in a great way, they have a strength, a light about them. Some are just doing the very best they can, finding their way.
I have been reflecting on the people I am surrounded with, each has suffered deep hurts or loss. Some from rejection and abandonment, some the loss of someone they loved way before they were ready to say goodbye. God has surrounded me with these beautiful, raw souls. They have taught me so much. He opened my eyes, when I stopped seeing my own pain and started seeing theirs.

What stands out to me is that this world ebbs and flows with goodness and evil, but the God of the bible, never, ever changes. His promises stay the same. His Love stays the same.

When He sent the sweetest Christ child to be born for us, our lives were transformed forever. We can just get too lost in this messed up, broken world when we think it’s supposed to be so easy. When we try to do this alone.

Truth is; When we accept our Savior, we are never alone again. When that sweet baby grew,  taught us, and finally died on the cross for us; He promised to leave us with the Holy Spirit.  He didn’t abandon us. This is the gift that allows us to endure all things. This helper, this guide, this friend that dwells within us, never leaves us. Holds us, whispers Peace into our crazy lives.

There are no completely rejected people on this earth. When Christ died for us, we became co-heirs.  We are all welcomed, we are all wanted, we are pursued relentlessly! He longs to have a relationship with each of us. Being a Christian is about who He is, it isn’t about who we are. It isn’t about what we do, but rather what He does in us.

Like Job, our testing of faith will never be easy, our journey will never be without trial, hurt and sorrow. Nothing in that bible says it will, but our faith will grow stronger within us when we stay close to Him.

Most know Psalm 23. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death”.
We have to walk through the valley to get to the other side. We can’t go around it, we can’t avoid it. We must go through that valley but it also says “the shadow”. Shadowing only happens when there is light present. He is that bright and shining light at all times, proof again that we never walk alone.

May you find your peace, your hope, your joy in Him. He is all we need. He refreshes us, builds us up, strengthens us, and gives us hope for the future. Amen.

This is from my devotional today. It says it way better than I can. Be blessed.

 

Worse than not having anyone close is to be rejected by the one person you thought you could count on. 

 

When memories of rejection dominate our thoughts, it’s because we are putting human relationships in first place. The way out of that gloom is to let God take his throne back in our lives. Sometimes God allows us to be rejected and burned by other people so that his steadfast love will shine all the brighter. “Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me” (Psalm 27:10).

 

When you read the stories of the books of Joshua and Judges, you get the sense that God will do absolutely anything–even breaking the very laws of the universe he created–to make the lives of his people better. If God’s faithful love and promises are the first thing we trust in and depend on, everything else will fall into place in its time. When you know that you can absolutely depend on the Lord’s affection for you, you can face anything. “In the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock” (Psalm 27:5).

– time of grace

 

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Grief Support

30 Oct

“Please listen to my heart’s cry for I am low and in desperate need of you!” Psalm 142:6a

I met with a grief counselor today. I finally realized I needed to sort some things out. I don’t know why I still get legalistic and hard on myself. I have this bar of excellence I hold myself to and when I don’t reach it, I feel like I have failed completely. He helped me see that my faith and grief were walking together, not against one another.

There is counseling, and there is faith, and then there is grief counseling. I found it to be such release. I am suffering. I am processing and also sure of the simple fact that this will pass but right now, it is pretty rough

Grief takes a toll on us. We can get so lost within the trauma of it all.  I feel this weight of expectation on me, to be so strong and joyful in trial… Isn’t that what James 1 says? People are watching us as Christian’s, right? To see if it’s all for real or not.

I thought that was the needed response, to be okay, frankly I am not;  To be strong and assured, I am not. People needed to see me to be strong in my faith walk, to remain upbeat. This is the truth, this is transparency; Though my faith remains solid and my hope is still with Him and I trust Him fully with this journey, this has just been a bit too much for me to keep smiling through. The cards came tumbling down this weekend.

I need my God, my savior so much. My most necessary grief support! This, this, is the precious, precious promise part. He hears me, he draws nearer to me.

When I finally dropped the weight from my shoulders, when it all came toppling down yesterday, He caught me. He said ‘rest’.  “He restores my soul” Psalm 23:3a.  And then He provided the unplanned opportunity to sit with a grief counselor. My blessing.

There is a release and a relief when we can finally set it all down and say, it’s too much for me. To tell another person that it is too much. For them to say “wow, that is just too much” , validating your turmoil. Reassuring you that you aren’t weak, you aren’t failing, you aren’t just complaining.

There is such powerful reason I share my journey including the reality of suffering. We need to know we aren’t alone here, that God is here and other people journey through trials too. He brought us people to share that burden with.

The truth is that we all suffer and we suffer whether we share the burden or keep it hidden. But… when we hide our pain away from others, it begins to seep out. Maybe it’s physical illness, depression or maybe it’s anger or bitterness, or we become less tolerant, less loving. Satan loves to see us isolate our pain so he can bring us lower. He wants nothing more than to separate us from other people, fellowship, and our relationship with God.

He heard my cry and rescued me. He brought me support.  I am God’s girl, the “apple of His eye”. He promised me in Isaiah 54 and Philippian 1:6.  Even when my heart is weary, He will never, ever stop loving me or rescuing me.

Humility is really difficult but so necessary for clarity , true peace and true relationship with Him.  One thing I know for certain, life is really painful at times.  The life in our head, never really is the life we live. It is a series of bumps and sorrows, but with God as our shelter, there is a hope for a future that is secured.

 

From Tenth Avenue North’s “I Have This Hope”

“As I walk this great unknown

Questions come and questions go

Was there purpose for the pain?

Did I cry these tears in vain.

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You’re with me and you won’t let go. “

 

Amen. Thank you, Father.

Blessed Lessons

22 Oct

As we journey through our lives, we will find ourselves either between trials or smack dab in the middle of one.  We can’t stop trials from happening, nor can we “snap out of it” when the very pain we feel is exactly what is meant to bring us to our knees, closer to Him.

Coming out from under darkness, from unraveling the lies, I can get very caught up in the why’s and the how’s and the what is the matter with me?  I wonder when I stopped listening to God, stopped hearing Him.  [The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (psalm 111:10) the fear of man is the beginning of folly]-Jen Wilken

When we think in terms of “our” decisions, “our” consequences, “our” pain, “our” journey,  we fool ourselves thinking we could actually stop the tide from rising.  How did I let this happen?

A friend quoted this to me yesterday. She said “ If we knew in advance, God’s plan for our lives, we would pray to be exactly where we are at, right now”.

Would I really? I pondered that question and even dreamed about it. I know the answer to most certainly to be yes. I just don’t want to suffer, none of us want to suffer.

The enemy will lie, cheat and steal to gain his footing.  “The Lion is most handsome when he is hunting for food”-Rumi

He is the one that goes before me, behind me and nothing, nothing comes to us that didn’t go through His hands.  When peace is not mine, when the storm is brewing, He whispers “Come” (Matthew 14:23)

I am grateful for Him. For all He is and does, even when I don’t see it at the time.

The truth is: When I feel alone, He brings me someone who is alone too, to share the journey together. When my enemies lie about me, He brings me truth and reminds me of all that He is and who I am in Him. When I get lost in fears , He reminds me  He is the creator of all things.

Today, I am grateful for friends that bear with my crazy long enough for me to shut out the lies of satan and help me to hear my beloved Father’s voice again.

Today, I am grateful for this loving heart he put inside of me.  I am grateful for the truth:  This loving heart that without seeking wisdom, without discernment, was so easily misled. Grateful that  in the end, this is truly a gift from God. This heart He placed in me, was able to share the broken journey of a friend.  “Blessed to be a blessing”, we are meant to share our journey; Meant to carry the heavy bucket of trial together.  (Proverbs 11:25-31 and 2 Corinthians 9:8-11).

Today I am grateful for a God that has this difficult journey all mapped out regardless of how much I get in the way, for loving me even in my wrecked completeness. Grateful that when I bring to Him my bad decisions, my unholy thoughts, my wrong thinking, my lack of faith,my dishonesty, my yuck, He loves me anyways. Always brushing me off and putting me right back on His pathway.

He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. Psalm 40:2 KJV

Dweller On The Threshold

29 May

As I watch and listen to the thunderstorm off in the distance, I am struck by the sheer peace I feel. It is the answered prayer we prayed for, my God-Given, God-Designed friend and I.

Peace was not what I felt earlier today. I was angry and the angrier I became, the more my heart broke and the harder I cried.  The unexpected end of my marriage followed by my daughter and grandson’s unexpected move out of state is a trial I tell myself deserves a bit of a good old fashioned meltdown.  I know other’s are suffering greater loss than I, and I feel so selfish in my pain. I do know however that pain, whether great or small,  is still covered in the same way.  Faith and hope in our Lord and Savior.

God shows off most to me in the friends He brings to my life.  My Bou as I call her (she calls me Blondie), prayed with me, talked with me, and spoke truth back into my soul.  Because He is a God of amazing abundance, three more friends checked in on me.  I see Him. I feel His provision and closeness.

The night is near pitch with only a sliver of a moon. The fish are jumping in the water next to me, the thunder rolls quietly after a beautiful lightning display, Van Morrison is singing to me quietly. I am just sitting here taking it all in.  Peace. Calm. He reminds me in no uncertain terms, that He is not just near, He dwells here.

This warfare wears on me; this world is broken, people will get sick, they hurt us, disappoint us and sometimes they leave us.  Those are the hard things that break us or make us stronger. The depth of my faith may be tested, but my faith stands strong. When we lean in, when we trust Him in it, we are humbled. We may not always calmly endure the journey through our valleys, but journeying through them all the way, with God beside us, allows us to grow stronger. We grow in our faith, wisdom, courage,and in the end, what is lost will not go without, because something truly is gained.

I am not through the valley yet, but the path is becoming clearer and I am starting to feel that hope begin to flicker again. God breathed daylight into me when he formed me and my light has grown dimmer, my hope weaker and my heart was heavy much of the time.

I know there is something coming, I feel it. I am being put to the fire to prepare me for whatever is to come. I know there is purpose to this time of refinement, of loss, pain and trial. There is a purpose and He plans to bless people with what is gained in this. I know this as much as I know the reflection of my own face.  This path may feel too hard at times, but he has given me great strength and I have grown so brave. This is the path He laid before me, and it is stick straight. I just can’t see ahead yet.

He beckons me to look inside my home from outside. I see what He wants me to see. There is restored peace in my home. Where there was dark, there is a warm glow. Where there was careful wariness, there is comfort. Where there was apprehension, there is calm.

This is a restoration of the peace that I haven’t rested in, in a very long time.

Weeping may last for the night, but there is a song of joy in the morning. Psalm 30:5b

New Beginnings

20 Mar

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. ~ Philippians 4:4-9 NIV

It’s funny what we gain from being near to our loved ones physically, and how deeply separation affects us. This is not weakness in trial nor absence of faith. Our heart’s still feel love and mourn loss, because that is how we are designed.

My daughter is moving and taking my heart with her. This move towards the next phase in her life, the next page as a mother, is so painful, yet I know it is right. I am proud of her desire to challenge herself, to not settle, to achieve goals and do what is best for my favorite person in the world. Her move will bring him near to so much family and great male role models. Minnesota is a wholesome, fresh, healthy place to raise a boy such as my grandson. He will thrive there, in the place I love, but for me, I know, with all certainty, it is not God’s plan for me. So, I obediently stay where God has me, and trust His plan for my life.

Transition is so difficult, in a heart-wrenching, rip you to shreds, kind of way. Standing firmly in faith does not mean that we are not susceptible to grief, because honestly, my faith is so strong because of and through, my grief. This is trust at it’s greatest.

So I say goodbye for now and my heart breaks in two, feeling a bit alone here in Florida…and I cry out to Jesus, to my Father, to the Holy Spirit, to comfort me, to soothe my sorrow, and He is there. He comes swiftly and in ways that only He can. He brings me words, He brings me songs, He brings me His Peace,His Hope, His Joy, and I feel content. He is enough to satisfy me fully. He brings me hope even in the darkness. I can’t wait to see where His plan takes me, even through the tears.

This is my walk with Christ, this knowing. Knowing, even as I yearn to stay near to my daughter, nearer still, to my grandson, though it hurts, He has this. This isn’t me, going out on a limb and hoping I am right, this isn’t me believing what I am told, this isn’t martyrdom. This is complete knowing. Knowing my Lord and knowing this is the plan. Knowing the plan will unfold in His time, and trusting in Him, completely.

A friend told me it is my time; To walk alone, and to prepare my life for the next step in the journey.

They are beginning their new season. So am I.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart 
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Joshua 1:9 (NIV)
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

1 Peter 1:6 (CEV)
On that day you will be glad, even if you have to go through many hard trials for a while.

James 1:12 (VOICE)
Happy is the person who can hold up under the trials of life. At the right time, he’ll know God’s sweet approval and will be crowned with life. As God has promised, the crown awaits all who love Him.

Romans 12:12 (NIV)
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.