Attending a women’s conference out of town with a friend this weekend, literally broke me, but more importantly, my chains. We always learn something when we go to these things. This time, I broke free.
God is pushing me out into leadership, and because I have stepped out in faith, into that, He is equipping me. Quickly. I start in 2 weeks. God in his provident way, set the ball in motion.
He knew the roots that were very deep. The roots of unforgiveness, the roots of a heart that somewhere deep down, felt rejected, unloved, unprotected by God himself.
How many of us look at the cross, and because we know our lives, we know our thoughts, our past, feel a bit of trepidation that it just may not apply to us? We seek approval of people instead. Such a dangerous trap that is, as well as completely self-destructive. Or maybe, we believe what people have said over what the cross says.
So many things bring us to this place of unworthiness. Yes… We are all unworthy, we don’t deserve all that He did, but He did it for us anyway…I know, but this goes deeper than that simple fact.
We can know The Word, (please know the word before you think it is all that the radical or new age religious say it is) we can worship Him, we can grab hold of Grace. Then what? How does the cross apply to us?
When we have any, ANY, un-forgiveness in us,( in my case, of God and of myself) even the root we may not even be aware of completely, we are absolutely not walking in truth. We are not walking in Mercy and Grace. His for us and through us. The cross becomes unimportant as to how it changes us, how we relate to it! The cross almost becomes irrelevant to us. Stay with me here.
There are 2 ways this world skews Christianity, making it very legalistic. One, the finger pointing, hell and brim-fire, political, name calling, super over-sensitive, everyone is going to hell; Read Jude. This is untruth, this is dangerous, and absolutely defies the cross. Yet I condemn myself and others.
The other is the unchanged Christian. You may have believed all your life, or you become born again and then continue to do whatever you want. The world sees you gossiping, judgemental, drunk, abusive, angry, rude. You don’t read the word and what the bible actually says. You live with your boyfriend, leave your marriage for someone else, sleep with people you aren’t married to, cheat other’s out of money you owe them, don’t work hard, gossip about and judge others, hate, lie, steal, etc.. and walk in unforgiveness and pretty much do what ever you want. Yet I do this as well.
True, once you are saved, you are saved. Mustard seeds of faith are saved. But there is a moment where we will ALL need to define what the cross means to us. Shouldn’t that incredible act of sacrifice, if we accept what it means to us, should that not change us, atleast a little? How will you define that question? How did it change you, and what was the purpose of that?
God is not a wish granter. He is very specific about why He wants your surrender. If you walk in control of your life, not seeking what God says, that is free will. The consequences are yours, and He won’t just magically come in to bless it because his stubborn, spoiled, selfish child wants to do it his own way. He will let you fumble around. He will be beside you, yes, pursuing you, yes, but you are ignoring Him anyways, until you need Him. You are a fair weather friend and would be so hurt by this if someone did it to you. You my friend are walking a lie. You are not walking with God. You are your own God. What is His value to you? Where does He fall into place? Where is your reverence? When you die, are you going to just be entitled to your place there because you said so? Or because HE said so? Shouldn’t you know what else He said? Not judging, because I do it too! But it is absolute truth!
Surrendering to God’s will is hard! This world is full of free will and this world belongs to the dark. When you submit to His will, seek him first, stay in His word, Listen to Him, you change. You begin to hear his direction, he softens your heart, he keeps you safe, he keeps you close to Him, He gives you supernatural peace that is not of this world.
So back to my unforgiveness. I knew I had become brittle in a way, I was shattered and maybe a bit bitter, I was so disappointed.In God, in me, in other’s. I had my own Job meltdown brewing! (so, I just saw the correlation, as I am reading Job right now. ) I felt it brewing, and because I felt it, I prayed about it. Make no mistake, it is no coincidence that it was just before the conference. If I pray for Him to change me in to the person He needs me to be, to help me become a better leader, to show me -He will! And He did!
Suddenly, all this bubbles up inside of me, I see it for all that it is, raw un-repented anger and unforgiveness; towards Him, towards other’s, towards myself. The details are private, too vulnerable to share with anyone but Him, and I am left standing there completely raw, completely exposed. Reaching to Him with a trust I absolutely don’t feel, confessing this to a perfect stranger. Darryl Strawberry’s wife, no less! I went forward for prayer, she happened to be the person that walked over.
This spirit of deep wounds was drawn from the depths of my soul, from my feet and confessed out of my mouth, the release of it an exhausting, gut wrenching, deeply painful moment. She breathed the Holy Spirit and truth back at me as I released it all, she prayed earnestly over me and finally with me. I knew and heard the words.”It is finished”. I was drained.
So, you don’t walk away from that moment, like… wow, that was cool. No. you want to crawl into a ball and disappear, sleep for days.
Oh, but my God is so good. He begins to fill that wound up with His truth. He is the balm and His Peace has settled on my soul.
I am still needing to guard myself because that tool that Satan used to get at me, has been his tool for 55 years. Now, I promise you, he won’t have it for 56. I will however be on guard, guarding my heart, my soul from him, because he will turn up his words, and tricks, trying to get me back to that place.
God has equipped me with powerful tools. James 4: 7 reminds us of our power in Christ “ Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you”
What freedom in the release of a child’s belief that bad things happen because we are bad people; That our worth, is not the same as the rest.He knew my own free will would harm me, He knew other’s would harm me, He knew I would harm other’s. He knew I would struggle so hard to forgive all of these things. He knew I would fight His truth. He knew the lies my enemy told me my whole life, that there was something wrong with ME, not those that hurt me. He knew my stubbornness in this, and knew how powerfully great He can use that stubbornness for when He is in control. He just needed me to submit fully.
I have submitted. Today, He is here, He is loving me, He is always here. I have placed my full armor on, I have looked sin in the face, have forgiven what has been done, what I have done myself, and my Heavenly Father is back as the whisperer that never leaves me alone, He is back on the throne of my life, and I have told Satan to go back to hell.
In a dramatic way, I want to end this by saying “watch this”! Amen.
beachgirl952 